Cavemen must have had them, because there must have been a time before they worked out how to sharpen up a flint and drag it across their chins.   It would have been logical for early man to have as much body hair as possible in order to retain warmth during the winter.  I have never been able to figure out why Tarzan of the jungle was always portrayed as clean-shaven and smooth-chested. Making sure you had food, shelter and weren't a candidate to become someone's lunch would have ranked much higher on the agenda then lathering up and tackling a few bristles.   And where do you find a chemist in the jungle anyway?   Certainly the Ancient Egyptians revered the facial decoration to such a degree that the size of the beard not only represented the wealth of your household, but also provided some indication of what a "significant other" might expect in other, less generally exhibited, areas (If you like, the inverse of what a big car is said to represent by today's standards). Philosophers, wise men and wizards have also demonstrated their expertise by the largeness of their beards.  Why the Romans didn't take to them I don't know.  Maybe they did and it's just that historical representation has let them down, or perhaps the use of razors came in with the introduction/improvement - depending on your historical bias -  of roads, sewerage systems, heating, electric lights, takeaways and soft drinks.  Some of this last statement may well be me exercising my right to poetic licence.

If men were meant to have smooth faces they wouldn't have hair growing on them.  Same with chests I guess - nothing wrong with a bit of a rug.  Hairy backs, on the other hand (and for that matter, overly hairy hands, especially the palms) are an abomination.  And I don't even want to mention shoulder hair - vile.

For me, it all began with Mr Rusty on the Magic Roundabout, then there was Timothy Claypole in Rentaghost. A bloke in tights with a beard.  Oh and Robin Hood.  That is either Robin Hood as portrayed by a talking cartoon fox, or by a real person, both of  which had goatees, though to be honest, a foxee might be more appropriate for our vulpine friend. Actually I liked the fox more. And I've always liked goats.  So here, just for you is a guide to beards.

There are many reasons for, and many reasons against.  I've conducted a short survey and have the following to offer:

Despite my penchant for face fungus, there are some people who just don't fir the mould - Craig David for example, looks like he's drawn on his face (and he seems to keep going round in a swimming hat style of headgear) and this look has subsequently been copied by Adi from Eastenders who obviously bought the same stencil.   The blokes from ZZ Top and Nick Oliveri (ex- Queens of the Stone Age) seem to have gone for the "Catweasel" look - though in the case of the latter, I don't find anything wrong with that at all but he's a bit too scary to point this out to.  Kings of Leon look as though they may house small mammals in theirs.  Brian Blessed -big bloke, big beard - it's like a rug you might put in front of the fireplace!  Avid Merion, (where do I start?) has nothing going for him, not even  the beard.  Then again if he could grow it much larger so it covered his whole face and muffled his goddam stupid voice that might be some way towards an improvement.  

On the other hand, there are those that have nothing to be ashamed of at all in my hirstute heaven - so here's my top ten (until I can find any better contenders) .  If you could hum some sort of chart countdown type music whilst you read this, you may feel it will add to the atmosphere.  

 10  Samuel L Jackson.  But not the one he had in Jackie Brown - could have caught that in the door or anything.  Mind you, even if it looked bad now, would you tell him? Do you know how he greets his daugher's boyfriends?  

 9  Derren Brown.  A little bit coiffured and neat and tidy really, but it fits in with the 3 piece suit and pocket watch look.  Illusionists/mind-readers are meant to be a bit mysterious anyway.  His is the "you can see a bit of my chin, but you don't get it all" look - a  virtual striptease of facial hair.  In fact, the goatee itself could be a bit of mind control - he might just want us to believe he has one.

 8  Lenny Kravitz.  Well I don't actually know if he is sporting one at the moment, but if he did it would look fantastic.  This is my list so don't start arguing with my point of view.

 = 6  Indiana Jones.    Your whip-wielding, leather wearing, bareback-riding 'shoot first ask questions later' type.  (Also see no 4.) Yes I know it was Harrison Ford really but obviously Harrison Ford isn't a contendor for the beards list because he's clean shaven.

= 6 Bono.  The face fuzz comes and goes but you know, it's grand (You have to adopt a Bono-type accent to really carry it off).  Musical and hairy.  Works for me! (Especially if he's lugging spotlights about or wearing T-shirts with big pecs printed on them).

 5  Baldrick.  As with Indiana Jones, I know this is just a character but the poor little scruffy mite with his turnip habit had a certain quality.  Eau de dung perhaps? Bless his little unmentionable socks.

 4  Clint Eastwood (1966-69: The Spaghetti Western Years).  Rough and ready but at the same time kempt as opposed to unkempt.  Even in the flowery shirts.  Seriously though - he was on my wall in the dreaded teenage years.  The wall was full of fops and dandies. Almost.  And dead people -not literally, the smell would have been overpowering in the summer- I mean posters of icons such as James Dean, Marilyn Monroe and James Stewart. This was way back when I had a poster gallery and Clint was the only beardie to make it at the time.  Oh the puns we made about his big cheroot and impressive weapon.

 =2  Eddie Izzard.   If he does do the beard, then it's just the right length and fullness, if he does decide to go without, then it's perfect make-up instead. Genius.  

=2  Bill Bailey.  Beard.  Long Hair.  Musical.  Hilarious.  What more do you want?

1   Who else but Dan.  My hubby.  Big tall bloke - used to be lanky but he's filled out now (we eat too much).  Beard not really goatee, more spaghetti western style.  Long hair,  Musical, Clever, Funny, Charming.  Doesn't do the make up well though.  If I don't put him first, I'm in big big trouble, but then - his refreshes the parts that other beards cannot reach.

Obviously this list in no way represents any sort of pin-up list I may have compiled.  Obviously this statement might be a bit of a lie.

If you are famous and have a beard (if you're not famous, then don't bother as I'm not likely to be interested!) email me here and let me know all about it.  Go on, please.