So what's the big deal with sport?  I hate it.  I  know why I hate it - it's because I'm no good at it, and it was always a great medium for mocking my  lack of co-ordination.  I recall in great detail my school days where we had to play bloody stupid games.  Netball for example.  You can't run with the ball, you have to pass it to some snotty bitch who is bigger than you and treads on your toes, and you have to wear a stupid bloody vest so you look like someone doing time at Her Majesty's pleasure.  What pleasure? Maybe that was just my experience, but that aside, it seems to be a mass of contradictions and you do seem to dress up quite stupidly to play it.  I've seen full-grown women playing netball, all dressed in stupidly short skirts - they look as though they've been in a time warp.

Cross country running was another sport I loathed without limit.  "Come on girls" the teacher would say, in an extra chirpy voice, "We're going to run through the park, up the hill, down the other side, along the lane, back into the park, across the football pitch and then through the estate back to school". Why?  Why did she think I'd want to do that? What possible use to my future career as full-time cyber-bitch would this be? But no, in the freezing cold winter, she'd be in her tracksuit, hopping about like an overenthusiastic robin that's just found a really big worm, and I'd be freezing my (then) tiny little tits off in my aertex shirt, which of course looked good with nothing to pad it out. And we had to wear short skirts (the sort that flaps up when you run so you have to wear fashionable matching knickers).  When we asked why we couldn't wear tracksuits we were told that it wasn't the right uniform.  I honestly don't know how Paula Radcliff could have put up with that sort of nonsense.  As for the run we had to do - yes do let us run through the park.  The lovely local park that's full of discarded tin cans and bottles because the council were too lazy to employ a proper park keeper.  The lovely park that had lots of dark places and unsafe patches of bushes where the flashers used to lurk.  The park that all the kids bunked off in for a smoke.  If you happned to look in their direction you faced a volley of derision for being you.   The run took you through the entire park, past the bench where the wino has been sick (careful you don't slip over in the regurgitated curry and special brew)  then up, and past the tennis court where someone's bra is hanging from the wire fencing.    Once we'd braved the park it was through the housing estate with its petty criminals and perverts ogling at the schoolgirls, where dead dogs were thrown out with the soiled mattresses and broken fridges.  Up the bloody concrete slope being careful not to disrupt the local dealers and down the other side.  Bugger that.  I went to my friends house and had a cup of tea, and joined in at the end.  

"Oh dear" said the teacher, "Your running time isn't very good".  Like I cared.  My report for sport always said I could try harder, but honestly, couldn't be arsed was more like it.  Hockey, I though I'd like that -hit a ball with a stick towards a big goal.  Not too difficult really,  But unfortunately that was one that the bullies liked so I normally ended up with a few more bruises than usual. Funnily enough, it wasn't the injuries that put me off, just the pointlessness of it.  I never was much of a one for hurling myself hither and thither, getting all out of breath and remembering all the various rules and restrictions.

Talking of such matters, which bastard thought up the rules of cricket?  I'm sure they're only there to confuse.  What the hell is the point of playing a game that involves running about and falling over on grass when you're wearing white?  Did they not think of the washing?  And who the hell came up with all that malarkey about one team being in until they're out and the other team being out until they've one player in and having the runs and creases sticky wickets and silly mid off. I think it was just made up by someone who was too scared to talk dirty properly.  Have you ever noticed how many sports have blatent innuendos?  I used to watch snooker quite religiously as much for the bizarre commentries as for the skill of the players.   All that talk of balls, phallic cue-stroking, and people having trouble finding the pocket... schoolboy humour I think.

Then there's football.  I used to be a fan, when players actaully concentrated on kicking the ball, not having their hair sponsored.  I mean, you go to a match expecting to see a bit of rivalry, and healthy competition as 11 men work as a team but all you get are temper tantrums, spitting and bad language.  Just like a primary school.  I think the game should be revised - get rid of the referee and have the player's mum's on.  Treat them children they behave  -that's how they behave; so instead of getting  a yellow card, they get a smack on the legs and are forced to shake little fingers with the bloke they just kicked.  Really bad behaviour could result in being made to stand in the corner, or sweeping up the pitch.  Bad language of course, would be punished by having to wash out their mouths with soap and water.

Another sport that amuses me is tennis.  I like it but can't play at all.  I'm too good at getting my laces tangled togther and falling over.  But tennis is an odd one. Why do the players have to make such horrible noises?  The women sound like foxes on heat and the men - well it sounds as though they're pretending to 'do it' out there on the court.  And why do they have to pretend to be elephants?  I imagine that really they are wiping the sweat from their brows with the top of their arm, but it looks as though they are impersonating a pachyderm and that could be construed as being intimidating.  Again, the commentary is full of sexual innuendo - people checking their balls, powerful service and all that.

I'm sorry to say that I'm quite bloodthirsty, I can happily watch boxing or rugy, where they tread all over each other and wipe their boots on their opponent's faces, but at least in these, they don't wimp out (as in football if someone looked at someone or they broke a nail or something) but just get up and carry onn - a nose can easily be reset and an arm will eventually go back in it's socket.  The alternative of couse, is to turn non-sporting things into events - the weekly supermarket shop could be a test of endurance as you not only have to find change to release the trolley from the mass, but then have to steer it round with two functional wheels, one that won't move, and one that's trying to go in the opposite direction.    It did occur to me that you don't see some of the more unusual sports on telly though do you?  What about relay mountain climbing?  You could strap cameras onto goats or whatever native beast roam the hills/mountains that are being climbed.  What about having championship drinking games?  Hey, I'd watch strip poker.  Well, actually I might watch celebrity strip poker - though it might depend who was playing. Or, what about pub brawls sponsored by whichever alcoholic beverage causes the most violent behaviour?  Synchronised make-up application? Championship Bitching (I might try my hand at that one)? Formula 1 pub-crawl?  Chess? No, they do that.  What about chess for people who've, shall we say, 'had a smoke' - God knows what might happen, the board would probably grow legs and turn into a marmoset called Fandango who lives in the wainscoting or one of the pawns might wander off looking for a mouse called Gerald (who is getting on a bit and is currently homeless).  For more on this  see the page on Music - this relates to a song penned by the inimitable Syd Barrett.  If you have any suggestions as to what would make good viewing, or why sport is so absolutely bloody important that everything else gets rescheduled for it, then keep them to yourself!