Well since we got our new car, I have been promising that I'll learn to drive but whenever I refer to getting behind the wheel, Dan grits his teeth, looks really worried and his knuckles whiten in what can only be described as terror.  I think he thinks I'll be a danger as I have no spacial awareness and often walk into our furniture - I just don't see it, but oncoming cars, traffic lights and pedestrians, I'm sure I'lI see them.  Well if I've got the right glasses on and it's not too dark.  He probably thinks I'll give in to road rage as I have a relatively short fuse when people are dithering about.  Of course, if I'm the one dithering about then it's other people who have the problem and they shouldn't be so bloody impatient.

As present I haven't even got as far as having my photo taken to send off for my provisional license - I'd need a makeover rather drastically so that I didn't look like something the cat brought in, ate and brought up again.  In my head I look like a sort of Cindy Crawford/Anna Friel/Jodie Foster hybrid beauty, but in reality it's more like Marge Simpson/the scary bus driver lady with the bird in her hair from South Park/Medusa on an off-day hybrid - with a generous measure of harpie thrown in.  Photo taken care of, I then need to arrange lessons around my working week which means that (accounting for any free time I might happen to have not wasted commuting or watching telly) I should be on the road around 5am; regardless of the actual time I get up at, I don't fully wake up until around 10 most mornings. You should be reasonably safe unless you're delivering milk.  

Practicalities aside, people keep telling me about the added stress of having to do the theory test and hazard perception test as well as getting to grips with the mechanics of operating a vehicle.  I thought I'd take a look at some of the myriad theory test books that are on the market and all I can say is that 90% of the questions really are stating the bleeding obvious.  I won't quote exactly word for word as I don't want to get any of the people who compile these into trouble but here is my take on some of the worst ones:

1.  When approaching a horse and rider what should you do?

a) Turn up the stereo to blast out death metal and hurl excrement at them;

b) Follow behind, your front bumper touching the horses legs and sounding your horn impatiently;

c) Overtake at 85mph in a 30mph limit, flashing your lights and then slow to 10mph directly you are in front;

d) Follow at a safe distance until it is safe to overtake, making sure that you do so slowly and quietly;

e) Phone the local cat meat man on your mobile phone and ask him if he wants some fresh supplies;

2.  You are going to turn left at the next junction, how should you indicate this?

a) By winding down the window and shouting out "Hey everyone, I'm turning left";

b) Turn up the stereo to blast out death metal and hurl excrement at the car behind;

c)  Indicate your intention at a safe distance, making sure that there is no oncoming traffic before pulling out;

d) Hand signal out of your window.  If your window is stuck, the passenger window will do.  If you can't open the passenger window, use the sunroof.  If you don't have a sunroof you may need to make an incision in the top of your car;

e) Use your right indicator, pull to the far right then change to the left indicator and cut across  oncoming traffic flashing your headlights and sounding your horn;

e) Do nothing, you'll get to where you're going eventually.

3.  In heavy rain, you are driving behind a large lorry.  What two things should you do?

a) Pull up close behind the lorry to shelter from the rain;

b) Allow a two second gap;

c) Allow a four second gap;

d) Be aware that the lorry driver may be a homicidal maniac;

e) Be aware that the lorry driver may be carrying illegal immigrants and telephone the police whilst noting down the registration number (and steering with your knees);

f) Sound your horn, flash your lights and overtake at high speed;

g) Be aware of extra water on your windscreen which may spray back from the lorry;

h) Sacrifice a goat and throw its entrails over the back of a lorry to ensure your safety by placating all known entities of a deic persuasion;

i) Reverse away as quickly as you can;

4.  You are approaching the exit to a school in a one-way street, after which is a zebra crossing - what should you be alert to?

a) Nothing, everyone must give way to you;

b) The requirement to sacrifice a goat and throw its entrails over the back of a lorry;

c) The car in front of you who is obvously lost - you should pass them sounding your horn;

d) Pedestrians, especially children who may not be aware of basic road safety principles;

e) Traffic approaching from the right;

f) The radio - your favourite song might be on, or there may be a phone-in that you'd like to participate in.

5.  You are turning left into a side road and see pedestrians about to cross. What should you do?

a) Motion to them to cross, then run them over, reversing to ensure that they are ground into the road surface;

b) Sacrifice a goat;

c) Flash your lights, sound your horn, up the revs and drive fast towards them to indicate that they should move swiftly out of the road;

d) Give way to them;

e) Stop the car, steal their money, tie them up, put them in the boot and drive them to a disused airfield where you will cover them in goat entrails then abandon them as you laugh maniacally;

f) Wind down your window and shout obscentities all the while making rude one-handed gestures;

6.  You are driving along in fine weather, the sun is in your eyes - what should you do?

a) Put on sunglasses - you might need to take both hands off the wheel and rummage around in the glove compartment/back seat to find them

b) Put down the visor

c) Shut your eyes

d) Draw occult sigils on the dashboard with blood to raise up clouds that will obscure the sun and darken the land forever more.

e) Cry, nobody told you about this

 f)  Staple magnifying glasses to your face and kick out the front windscreen - you'll see better this way.

7.  What should you keep in your car in case of a break down?

a) A torch;

b) A goat in case you need to deal with lorries;

c) Rope strong enough to tow the car with;

d) An inflatable doll in case you have to stay overnight somewhere;

e) An enraged cat which will crap under your seat then climb up your face when you're driving;

f) A spare tyre;

g) A set of jump-leads;

h) Spare oil & water;

i) Spare screw-topped bottles of alcohol to keep in the driver's door;

j) A weasel in case the goat malfunctions;

k) A map of the local area in case you get lost;

l) A spare beard;

m) A map of the world in case you get lost;

n) A cloak of invisibility and seven-league boots.

I'm hoping that I'll find the theory thing a doddle but I've not got behind a steering wheel for ages, and the last time I did that I was more concerned with not accidentally kicking the rear-view mirror, so best we don't go there!  As that's not likely to be very helpful with learning how to handle a car, I'd like to have a few test sessions just going through the "mirror - signal - panic" type thing.

I did watch some of the programmes about learner drivers but I'm not convinced that this is going to help me as I spent most of the time getting viewer rage, so I've now given up and will take my chances with a real instructor.  Let's just hope I don't think I'm playing carmageddon.

Check back later on to see how I'm getting on!