One day I'll grow up, I keep telling myself.  But I can't help it, I like a variety of music and most of it is VERY LOUD. That's how I have to write it so you get the idea.  I was never interested in music in my early years.  I played the recorder (quite well, though it's hardly an achievement to boast about) but found the usual rounds of learning Christmas carols and hymns a bit limiting.  I was most impressed when someone in my recorder group (and a boy at that - I was only about 7 at the time so it was quite exciting) taught me how to play the theme to "Hawaii Five -O".  Which means I can play just about anything on the recorder.  There, now you know but please don't flood me with bookings.  I also played the piano (badly) until I was around 11 or so, at which time I gave up as I only got to grade 2 and struggled with that.  However, I can play "Three blind mice" with both hands so it wasn't a total waste.  I have quite slack joints and found it hard to get my fingers into the correct position.    I remember when I met my piano tutor who was a stickler for having the right hand position and I managed to irritate him the first time we met, even before I had a lesson:  He asked me how many fingers I had. Smart-arse that I tried to be I said "Eight, and two thumbs".  It all went downhill from there really. Now, when it comes to playing, I'm almost all thumbs. I'm also one of those people who wants to learn by osmosis, I don't want to learn how to do it, or practice, I just want to be able to do it.  Like Jim Carrey in Bruce Almighty (in one of the outtakes), I want to sit down and just have the music flow from my fingertips.  

I find it terribly frustrating that I can hear stuff and know what bit comes next but have no idea of how to play it on the piano.  Even if I could play badly well - you know, like Les Dawson, or, even better, like Slick Fingers O'Reilly that would be better than my usual "hunt the key". Actually I've not practiced for years, but you can't really bang out thrash metal on a baby grand can you? No, having said that, Bill Bailey probably could & would!

Anyhow, I digress.  Around the time the piano lessons went into decline, somewhere I heard the Police.  I thought they were great three blokes playing reggae type stuff - I had pictures of them on the walls, and all their records, except that I found out that some of the songs had some rude words on them. This meant that I had to scrub the words out on the album inner sleeve and make sure I turned it down at the appropriate moment, so my parents wouldn't see or hear anything amiss and stop me listening to them.  After the Police, I got into Adam & the Ants.  Oh, he was my hero was Adam- if you promise not to tell anyone, I'll confess that one day my friend and I dressed up à la ant, and pranced around my bedroom singing "Prince Charming.." , we knew all the moves and everything.

I had the fake leather trousers and pixie boots, the frilly shirt and headband. At the time  that's all I could afford.  When I became a veggie a year or so later, it was quite convenient!  These clothes natrually came in handy when I turned my attention to Duran Duran (who I hear have now reformed) and Spandau Ballet.  I won't recount all my tales of bopping around to "Planet Earth" or all the copies of teenzines I had to buy to keep up.  (Course, nowadays I don't have pin-ups...though the Beards page may suggest differently).  As I got older, my tastes diversified.  These days I'll listen to almost anything.  As long as it's not sick-making mush (Mariah Carey, Celine Dion), hurl-inducing autobop (S Club, "Ibiza anthems" etc) or too dull  for me to be arsed to listen to (Craig David and a thousand other identikit "R&B" types.  Incidentally, I thought R&B stood for Rhythm & Blues, you know, John Lee Hooker, Muddy Waters, BB King, proper artists.  I was obviously wrong, it must stand for Rubbish & Bollocks nowadays cos it sure as hell ain't the blues).  Oh and what about Swing?  No Glen Miller though, just some RnB stuff again.  Who makes up these classifications - do they have ears?

We've now established that I don't like much that's general 'chart' stuff - I mean at the moment, everyone is still raving about The Darkness, and how wonderful they are, comparisons to Queen, etc.  All I can say, is Freddie Mercury must be revolving at several hundered rpm. Justin Hawkins might write funny songs, and I s'pose the actual tunes are ok, if you want to relive the 70's, but he can't actually sing with any power in his voice.  If you want screaming high-pitched singing with passion (albeit pasison that sounds like he's about to reach for his inhaler), then turn your ears to Matt Bellamy of Muse. Now there's a man with high octane octaves.  I want to know what happened to System of a Down.  I quite liked their hybrid folk dance/morris dancing tunes, Irish jigs, and Russian dancing songs.

As for Athlete, the other "big" thing - more like Athlete's foot.  Irritating and always the same thing every time.  Someone tell them that there are 26 letters in the alphabet, the letter 'T' does exist and should be deployed where necessary.  What about David Gray?  Very nice background music if you like that sort of thing but please - DAVID KEEP YOUR BLOODY HEAD STILL!!   I saw that video where the dog carried your head off - you should learn that this is in danger of happening in real life.  Oh and whilst we're shouting at people would someone please tell Thom Yorke to extract his head from his posterior, cheer up, and get some tunes which cover a range of more than three notes. I know that the minor key always sounds better but there are limits. (Apparently someone has brought out an album of orchestrated versions of Radiohead songs.  I can only wonder at the wisdome of this. What next?  Slipknot doing a Julie Andrews tribute album?  Fields of the Nephilim tunes rearranged for the tuba?  Charlotte Church duetting with Marilyn Manson?)

No, sorry, I like my male vocals either smooth (Nat King Cole, Frank Sinatra), screaming/weird (J Mascis, Frank Black, Kurt Cobain, Screamin' Jay Hawkins), or a bit sleazy-sounding (Josh Homme, Bono, Michael Hutchence). I don't really listen to that many women , so it's a bit more difficult here but, to a degree, the women fall into the same categories which kinda leaves us with PJ Harvey, Ella Fitzgerald, Janis Joplin, Macy Gray, Skin, Anastacia and Missy Elliot. I do even like a few bands with women in - I can happily listen to motown, and will go as far as occasionally playing Goldfrapp.  The Delays sound promising too.  What, that's a bloke singing?!  Never let it be forgotten that Chrissie Hynde was and is the ultimate Rock Chick.  I wanted to be her. Well, her or Siouxie Sioux as she was hot.

I also like the stuff that makes you laugh - Ugly Duckling, Dr Dre, Cypress Hill and George Formby.  Well, they've all pushed at the boundaries of what's acceptable at some time, whilst maintaining wonderful eloquence.  The Smiths kept me entertained throughout their whole career, with the perfect balance of teenage angst, unrequited love, and extreme sarcasm. There are so many classic lyrics I could quote, all of which are heavily laden with opportunities for double entendres.    Possibly triple entendres to be honest.  Whilst we're talking lyrics then we must pay homage to the genius of Syd Barrett - if you've never heard "Bike" by Pink Floyd, I recommend it.Or Syd's own "Well I'm thinking.." Superb!  Also highly recommended for sheer wierdness are "I am the Walrus" by the Beatles, "Cold Ethyl" by Alice Cooper, "Woke up this Morning" by Nazareth, "Made of Stone" by the Stone Roses, "Velouria" by the Pixies, and anything by the Dukes of Stratosphear.

Then there's music to make you think - Midnight Oil use the medium of rock to convey environmental and political issues, as to a degree, do U2 -but to be honest, Peter Garret or Bono could make tying their shoe laces sound sexy. (Yes thank you, I am fully aware that I am probably in need of some sort of counselling.)   Some of Metallica's songs fit into the 'nice tune twisted lyrics' genre well - "Enter Sandman" is, on the face of it, a nice little bedtime ditty to get his son off to sleep, but ultimately the bogeyman's gonna get the kid. Having said that, "Nothing else matters" could be a good contender for an 'our song' slot.  Going back to the 'warped' thing, The Eels do it  well - "Flyswatter" being a good example, or there's most of Beck's or Placebo's stuff.

In my own little way of rebelling, I just enjoy the experience of sitting on the train, commuting to work, doing my best to look like a city slicker and maintain a po-faced look of indifference whils listening to ever-more bizarre stuff.  "Rock Music" by the Pixies good - I have to bite my lip so I don't scream along, or "Feelgood hit of the Summer" (Q.O.T.S.A), which gives a comprehensive list of stimulants, depressants, and prescription /non-prescription products  from class A through to Z.  Very hard not to tap it out on the seat though.  Alternatively, a bit of Prokofiev, Orff or Haydn is quite calming. I recently caught the tail end of a discussion about music that, er, gets you in the mood.  Most people went for Barry White, Luther Vandross, or Isaac Hayes (but not when he's being "Chef", I presume), whereas I was completely floundering.  I can think of a few songs but they're not your normal romantic ditties - no, I'd more be hoping for "Bob's yer Uncle" by Happy Mondays full of growling sleazy suggestions for a night in.  Whilst tidying up (very rare) I found a tape I did a few years ago to take on holiday - this was to 'stoke things up a bit' - it includes tracks by Alice Cooper, Prince, Faith No More, Dinosaur Jr and Linkin Park. Well, we were staying in the middle of nowhere with no neighbours to complain about the noise, and no telly - you figure it out!  Also in this category I'd include "Venus in Furs" by the Velvet Underground (a band name that sounds like a euphemism if ever I heard one), I realise this may sound a bit strange, but I'm the kinda gal that would happily doze off listening  to At the Drive-in.

Don't forget that music can instigate pant-wetting terror as well as pant-region stirrings. Have you ever noticed how the music in films rises to a crescendo at the vital moment of suspense?  The "der-ner, der-ner" on strings in an angsty manner as the virgin in the flimsy nightdress makes her way into werewolf wood (apologies to Eddie Izzard for blatant plagiarism). The only creepy film with no soundtrack other than proper background noise that I'm aware of is Hitchcock's "The Birds".  How much were you on the edge of your seat in "Silence of the Lambs" just because the music scared the crap out of you? You didn't see anything really gory 'til quite near the end.  I think there's scope to change all that - what about if they played the creepy stuff on an ice-cream van?  A hurdy-gurdy?  A drum solo instead of strings?  Pshyco could have been completely different with "Greensleeves" chiming out rather than "eek eek eek" on the violin.  How come these people in these films get picked off left right and centre when there's usually a veritable orchestra out there at Castle Death? You'd think that the moonlight glinting off the cellos might be a bit of a give-away really.  Where do the sinsister choristers hide? (more apologies).  Are you telling me that if you went somewhere for your holiday, and this music suddenly started up out of nowhere, you wouldn't find it a bit odd?

So now you probably know more about me than you should.  If I ever get round to putting a guestbook on the site, you can perhaps give me your top ten under various categories.  I think I'll sign off here for now, but come back to this page soon, as I was thinking of putting in some sort of homage to guitarists/bass players.  Dan used to play the bass (actually, he still plays - and is one of those infuriatingly talented types who can just pick up his guitar and play along to stuff he's only heard once before) and look what happened there....