Well obviously I have to go from A to B from time to time, as it were, in the normal course of things (rambling, go on, try to keep them interested), and on

various of these travels I've seen things that have just slightly caused my thoughts to go off at a tangent...

A lorry was ahead of us, taking goods to a supermarket.  Emblazoned on the back was the slogan, "Shop online now!”  How the bloody hell are you supposed to access the internet doing 90 up the M1 whilst sacrificing a

Millipede, calling your best friend on your mobile and playing "Splinter Cell Infiltration Kickboxing Zombie Death from Outer Space 5” on your playstation?  

Then there are all those vans and lorries with the slogans "How's my driving" with a number to call.  I think these people are just encouraging you to break the law.  Maybe they are all driven by undercover officers and when you call up to complain, they nab you for driving with undue care and attention.  

Actually that thing about not using your mobile (even hands-free) confuses me

it's the supposition that you can't concentrate on driving if you're talking.  Now I'm making the assumption here that you are all sensible and would only use a

hands-free, but if you can't talk and drive then surely you shouldn't carry any passengers?

Speed cameras, there's another thing.  People seem to write endless letters to the papers and innumerable calls to the radio about them.  As a (current) non-driver I don't really know what the fuss is about - the things are painted bright yellow and only go off if you're exceeding the speed limit.  I say drive properly and shut up moaning, but that's just digressing.  If the yellow boxes upset you so much, how about having them changed?  They could be disguised as rabbits on the verges beside the road; one eye could be the radar, the ear above receives the signal and calculates the speed.  The other

eye could be the camera, and the whiskers would act as a transmitter.  Films then could be stored on microdots, and every so often someone could go along collecting the rabbit pellets for processing.  Imagine driving along late at night looking out for rabbits with their big flashing eyes and wildly rotating whiskers....

Then there are the places you pass on the way, which really make you think. Like the Air Museum.  What's the point of that?  If you open the door to go in, surely you'll let it all out?  Or do they keep it all in special containers; fresh air, load of hot air; air of cynicism?

Up the road from that, you'll see a sign for drag racing.  Now I think that's potentially dangerous, I'm sure most men can't run in heels over 2".  And what

do you get as a prize?  A years supply of wigs? A makeover by Julie Goodyear?  Then again, he's not as good as Lily Savage is he?

Of course, if you're on the road a long time, you might want to stop for some R&R.  One of those roadside motels that have places to eat next door perhaps.  We stayed at one where one of the meals was 'Chicken Clanger'. As a child of the 70's that caused me a great deal of distress.  I remember the metal chicken fondly with its plaintive cry.  But there was only one, so how a whole chain of eateries can prepare this dish, I'm not sure.  Unless it was a bleedin' massive fowl.  I know it'd clang if you dropped it, but being made of metal from outer space, it'd have your teeth out before you were halfway through surely.  Or was that all a horrible lie and you were really eating poor little baby Clanger cunningly disguised as chicken breast?  I'm surprised there wasn't any blue string soup on the menu as a starter.   

Another thing about the food in this particular establishment was the way they'd set out the menu, with the healthy and vegetarian options.  The apple pie was vegetarian but the apple pancakes weren’t.  Huh (Scooby Doo type noise).  As it all tasted bloody awful anyway, it might as well have been Mr.Rusty's special porridge.  Actually, Mr Rusty's special porridge might have

been better as I'm sure that once you'd eaten that, you wouldn't care very

much about anything else.  And to be fair, Mr Rusty is quite sexy, so you might eat it all up on the offchance of a second helping - though you probably would want a second helping if it was special porridge...

Of course, these motels also have a book that gives details of local amenities and services.  One that I remember was a local dentist called "Payne", who was listed below "Dentith and Dentith".  Even if I needed root canal work urgently I think I'd have avoided both.  

We also came across a rather disturbing hotel along the way - the Owl Hotel. Stopped to take a look.  It wasn't very nice - the rooms were large, but dark, and narrow  with high ceilings and just a wooden bench in the middle.  The place seemed to have signs of mice or something.  The bathrooms were even worse - there was a sign on the wall saying "Do not flush pellets down the toilet - use a disposal bag".