All cats, everywhere - however old, young, fat, thin, or whatever number of limbs - belong to the PCN.  I know this for a fact.  They communicate telepathically but this is sometimes given away when a whisker is rotated a fraction more than usual to enable your moggy to receive loud and clear signals.  This is why cats suddenly run around the house at 3am, knocking down chairs, vases, scattering items from table tops and shelves in reckless abandon. A call has come in from the PCN. "Attention all cats, act mad, NOW!" That's why when ours are bouncing off the walls for the Nth time that evening, I can hear my neighbours shouting at theirs to get off the curtains/out from under the bed.

A friend of mine used to have that cushioned vinyl wallpaper in his kitchen. To a cat, this is a climbing wall, a challenge to be underaken and won.  To his cat, when the signal came in, it was an opportunity to make for the kitchen ceiling as fast as possible. No need to stop and look elegant, just legs akimbo and up we go - the penalty for getting the footing wrong was an undignified tumble into the washing up.

The PCN is the reason that cats have either sit on, in, or chew, cardboard every time a box is put down.  The PCN are well aware that the cardboard contains hallucinogens which will result in even stranger behaviour guaranteed to piss off humans.  Under the influence of chewed  cardboard, coupled with instructions from the network, a cat may try to run away from it's own tail, and attack a door frame for no other reason that 'because it's there'. The PCN is the reason why Delilah goes bonkers on the stairs.  It's almost always at the same time of evening - around 11.30, just as we're about to toddle off to bed.  There she is, eyes huge as saucers, ears flat to her head (unless she's borrowed one of Craig David's swimming hats), tail thrashing about and claws out at full stretch.... see her fling herself up and down the stairs sideways.  Stand well clear, those claws are like daggers.  The PCN is the reason that Bernard suddenly starts singing outside the bedroom door at 4am.  I'm not sure exactly what it is he's singing but I can hear the local thug-moggies singing it too in the street (drunken stop-outs that they are).  It goes a bit like this - "owwww, yrrrraawl mrrrrh.  Myih mrrrrrhhh yrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaa mrh mrhrhrr myih myih myiiiii rrrrrrrrrawllllllllllllllllll (pauses for deep breath, then continues) Rraaaaaaawllllllll RRRRRRAAAAAAWWWWWWLLLLLLLL" and is concluded by flinging himself at the door and running off to hide under the table.

What you don't know is that in the few hours when you are in a deep sleep, your cat gets up, has a wash, goes out, meets other cats, and discusses various ways to annoy or intimidate humans.

The PCN is the reason that Moogle used to walk across the piano keys whilst we were trying to play, why Gummy sits on the chair you want to sit on, why Nancy-Boy hates it when anyone is on the phone, and why Bernard sits on whichever page of the newspaper you're trying to read. The PCN is why the cat always wants to sit on your lap as you are about to get up, or dashes past you into the bathroom to roll about in the bottom of the bath, and burst your inflatable cushion with its claws when you haven't gone for a bath and really don't want company.  This is also why your cat rubs round your legs at the top of the stairs, is always on the wrong side of a door and why its bloody hair is everywhere.

The PCN is ultimately controlled by the great cat goddess, Bastet.  You will know that the ancient Egyptians worshipped cats.  The cats know this is how it is meant to be and why they behave as they do.  The PCN is why cats jump up vertically (or sometimes slightly horizontally) for no apparent reason.  It has to do with ritual that we have no comprehension of.  That's why the Pyramids had those funny shafts to the sky.  They were not for ventilation or for communing with Sirius.  No, they were to allow the sacred cats to jump as they pleased.

Every word of this is true!