Actually this is probably going to be more about TV as I don't watch soap operas any more. When I say TV I mean television, not transvestites, although if Eddie Izzard is on, you get both!  In my youth I used to be an avid watcher of several.  I watched Eastenders when it first started, and was a devotee for about 5 years.  When Brookside hit the screens I was addicted to that for a considerable time. Ooh that Barry Grant, he was an evil bastard but he was so good looking (well, I thought so at the time) you had to let him off.  Until he pushed Sue to her death - I went off him after that.  It was the partnership between Sheila and Bobby that was compulsive viewing - whoever scripted them deserved a medal, as they were the most credible characters I've ever seen.  Unfortunately, like all good things, their stint came to an end.  Although the later creation of the Royle Family gave us back much much more.  As the familiar faces went it all got a bit ridiculous.  Not that kidnapping, terrorism, rape, murder, incest or lesbianism were not interesting (but they are possibly a bit far-fetched all on one close of a housing estate obviously).  And I confess, I took up watching Coronation Street because Morrisey once mentioned in an interview that he watched it (for more on the Mozza influence see also pages on Vegetarianism and Music).  Like the other soaps, once the characters you get used to move on, the interest wanes.

During my school days I used to write bogus scripts for these and others, which I'd painstakingly transcribe onto the roller board in the common room on at least three days a week.  Scripts were, like the soaps themselves, predictable.  I don't have any copies of these as far as I'm aware, but ex-schoolmates refer to those days fondly (so they say).  Perhaps I'll have a hunt round and see if I can find one.  Of course I'll have to change the title and character names to avoid any libel actions that might otherwise be forthcoming.   I once caught our form tutor, who always expressed distain at soap operas and maintained a very serious attitude reading one of my weekly scribblings and chuckling so they couldn't have been that bad. Always was a bit of a lit chick. (There's grounds for a dodgy spoonerism if ever I saw it!)

Anyway, yeah, soaps.  So why are they so crap?  I mean, how many of your neighbours do you actually know other than on a nodding acquaintance?  In soaps, they all know each other's business, just about everyone has slept with everyone, and they all go to the same pub/bar/club, and almost everyone works just round the corner from where they live.  COME ON, GET REAL.  

If you were to really want to believe these soaps you'd expect to see half the characters down at the STD clinic, and there are so many pregnancies from the various relationship  that the gene pool must be really buggered - in three years time it'll be like ancient Egypt all over again,

"All hail to thee my sister wife, bringer of the first light.  Do you go now to the pub or the knicker factory?".

"No sir, my uncle father husband I do not.  I go to sit on a bench in the square that is as the centre of the universe to meet with my cousin who is also my mother and my long-lost twin from my previous boyfriends first secret marriage before he became a woman".

I know that my neighbour on one side is retired, and plays the organ, and that on the other side, I've got a primary school teacher.  But that's it.  I've not been to the pub with them, or worked with them , or snogged them or anything like that.  (Sorry ladies, but you're not my type!)

I'd like someone to write a soap about people working in diverse professions like taxidermists, morticians, doctors, DJ's, shoe-shop workers, bankers, solicitors, or lap-dancers, and maybe they could include the homeless? Where's all the crusties in the stories we're so addicted to, the blokes with dreads, baggy trousers and dogs on a string hassling you for a quid for the train fare?  Why does nobody go to the toilet?  When was the last time you saw someone come into the lounge and say, "I'm going for a dump, I'd leave it a bit when I'm done if I were you".  And when did you last see them watching any soap operas? Having a bath?  Belching or farting? Sneezing or hiccupping uncontrollably? Dropping dinner down themselves, speaking with their mouths full? Stepping in doggie doos on the street? Speaking when someone else is and not letting them finish? Cleaning up vomit after a night out?  Having a realistic telephone conversation?

Moving swiftly on before I dig myself into a hole, I'm more of a comedy fan than soaps.  I'll make allowances for detraction from realism in these. What I watch has got nothing to do any with naked or near- naked comedians that may be cast (yeah, right!).  I'm not going to put my favourite viewing on here for now, but I may do so later.  I've probably scared you all enough with my other observations!

Telly then, which brings me on to game shows.  You could get games where people playing have to second-guess what answers the audience gave.  I reckon you could make it more interesting by having it hosted by either Freddie Kruger or by Jeremy Paxman. Paxman could be really sarcastic to them, "I though you had an education, how can you not know that?" or Mr Kruger could simply say something along the lines of, "Who gives a #@%$ what you think?" before ripping off their heads.  (I like Freddie Kruger.  Now there's a man who speaks his mind.  Quite sexy too, though he could do with a manicure.  Conversely, I don't find Jeremy floats my boat.)  If they got the answer wrong, they could be dropped into a pit of scorpions, or maybe thrown into a ditch of sewage.  

Then there's reality TV.  You could liven up Big Brother by calling one, some, or all of the contestants to the reward room, locking them in and letting loose a bunch of those flesh-eating dolls they had in the film 'Barbarella'.  Or by having a marksman in the garden picking them off.  Or, when they come out of the house and stand on the top of the stairs waving inanely at the bunch of sad gits who queue up to see someone coming out of the front door, you could have a trap door which opens unexpectedly - like the thing they have in Room 101.  Or when you have the "celebrities" in the jungle, just bloody well leave them there, most of them are only doing it for their extra 15 minutes of fame and we could quite honestly do without the pathetic whining, shock at having to actually do something without the aid of a stylist, and without the come-back singles.  

At the moment, my favourite thing to watch is archaeology.  You have certain criteria when making an archaeology programme.   If you are presenting, then your aim is to ensure that you don't look at the right camera.  You also have to run from one trench to the other, because the findings might suddenly disintegrate the moment that they are exposed to air (that's the only reason I can think of that they have to sprint madly from A to B).  Also you must ensure that you have either a weapons expert who will let you play with the toys, or a person who sits and draws artistic interpretations of how people lived then. Finally, you have to have a crew of diggers and cataloguers who fall into one or more of the following stereotypes; a student who is really enthusiastic about digging for three days in rain; a crusty with dreads down his back; a girl with piercings in her face; a bloke from the west country with a beard and quite mad hair; someone wearing a really hideous jumper (though it may be a way of dealing with the psycological trauma of an unwanted Christmas present hand-knitted by mad auntie Ethel); someone with a penchant for wearing stupid hats; anyone who gets noticeably aroused at uncovering a series of small walls.  Nowadays, you are allowed to use a big yellow digger. It all adds to the drama.

Hey that's it - a soap opera all about archaeologists .  Bagsy I get to cast it.