I hold my hand up.  I am a freak.  I don't eat meat, I don't eat fish, I don't eat meat by-products.  I try my best not to purchase leather, which can make buying shoes and bags a bit more difficult, and I don't wear ostrich-skin, ponyskin, snakeskin or fur.   However, I have worn silk - I know this isn't entirely ethical but silk does come from insects which then puts me in mind of Rich Hall's joke about bee-keeping.  If you don't know it, then I'm not repeating it here.  I've been veggie for over 22 years and I'm not likely to change back now.  Well that's enough of my story so let's get on with it:  Of course there are a lot of famous veggies (according to various sources, including the the ever-reliable internet)- Albert Einstein, Annie Lennox, Vincent Van Gogh, Robert Smith, Victoria Wood, Moby, Sean Hughes, Boy George, Bryan Adams, Dr.Kellogg - you know, the one of the cornflakes fame, Bill Bailey, John Wesley, KD Lang, Morrisey, Plutarch,  Lenny Kravitz, Damon Albarn, Brett Anderson, Siouxsie Sioux, Pythagorus, Chrissie Hynde, Johnny Marr, Steve Vai, Mark Owen, Lauren Laverne, Guy Garvey...

I feel that I'm in good company -what a gorgeous bunch of individuals they are. (Crawling in case any of them read this, though I don't think that any ancient philosophers will email me to tell me differently!) I'm sure we'd bond over tofu.  Naturally, having spent all my spare time creating these pages for your enjoyment I expect my name to be added to the famous veggies list. As is the case with lists though, there are always those that'll drag the whole group down, so let's not talk about Adolf!

What I really wanted to use this page for was to say that even now, people think you're quite odd if you don't eat meat.  I'm not going to deny that I'm not the most regular crayon in the box, but I don't think anyone in the list above is particularly weird are they? Maybe that's a matter of opinion.

I used to work with a rubber-lipped, arrogant guy who used to do as little as possible every day exept tell me almost daily that he'd previously worked as a butcher, what he used to cut up, how tough the meat was, and how much blood or bone was involved.  I don't know what sort of kick he got out of it.  I just thought he was a tosser, regardless of where he'd worked before.  Hell, my former neighbour was a butcher - obviously we weren't going to bond over work or food issues, but we got along quite well.

And people are so apologetic - "I've got a ham sandwich for lunch, do you mind if I sit with you and eat it?"  Why should I? You're eating it, not me.  My boss recently pointed out to me that in the world of literature there are not that many vegetarian-friendly phrases.  Even at work, I might get asked to 'beef up' a report, or to make a paper 'more meaty'. He's got a point.  Maybe I should lodge a compliant, citing such expressions as cause for compliant and distress as you seem to be able to whinge about anything else at the moment.

The worst thing I ever experienced in my early veggie days was when we (my family) had gone away for a weekend to a hotel in Blackpool.  As we were arriving late, we'd phoned ahead to ask for some sandwiches when we arrived, having previously advised the proprieters that there was a vegetarian in the party. When we arrived after too many hours on the road, we were presented with a plate of corned-beef sandwiches.  I'm sure even meat-eaters would recoil in some degree at this, but this wasn't just spite, they'd forgotten about the specific dietary requirement.  So, for tea I had bread and butter, having rejected their offer of picking out the meat and making them go to the trouble of 'preparing' something else. (The trauma of having to butter slices of bread must have been unimaginable).  As if that was not bad enough, they did nothing to sort the misunderstanding out, and for dinner the next day I got sprouts and potatoes.  Unforgiveable!

It can still be a pain eating out sometimes - people think you want to eat especially healthy foods to compensate.  Despite the fact that I don't eat meat or fish, I don't have an aversion to cream, chocolate or anything that tastes nice.  There is no need to be all sanctimonious about it.  You don't get chunks of chicken in chocolate biscuits, or slivers of cow in banoffee pie, or pigs pizzles in egg and chips.  I put on two stone when I travelled round Australia, not eating meat.  I do remember another 'horror' story - we'd gone to get some hot food and stopped by the local chippy - the menu offered meat & vegetable pie.  My friend asked the bloke behind the counter if there was a vegetarian option:

"Well, it's got vegetables in it".

"Yes", she persisted, "but is has got meat in it"

"I know, but it's not got much meat in, you can pick it out, I won't mind". Hardly the point, no sale!

Then there's the other side of this, the typical scenario when the restauranteur has discovered a veggie - "Would you like some steamed alfalfa sprouts, a green salad and a shot of wheat grass?" No I bloody wouldn't - I'd like a veggie sausage sandwich with butter and brown sauce, and a side serving of big fat greasy chips, laden with salt and vinegar - and I'd like a proper cup of tea please, not chamomile or peppermint.  Why is that so difficult?  Why are there no fast food outlets that do veggie burgers (and I don't mean ones that contain no meat but are fried in lard/chicken fat as I recently discovered - I'm furious), veggie bangers, veggie bacon substitute??  I can manage to cook myself a perfectly acceptable fry-up or roast dinner so what's the problem?  I looked at the menu in a chain of eateries recently and there were about 20 meat or fish dishes, whilst the veggies got two. For God's sake, go shopping!!  And before you ask, no Dan isn't a vegetarian, and no, I don't have a problem with that. What he puts into his body is up to him, and what I put in mine is my own business.  Talking of which, a colleague once asked me if being vegetarian affected my sex life (in a roundabout way, I hasten to add), but I can't think of a tactful way to tell you what I told him, so let's just leave it at no - there's meat and there's meat. Let's just not go there, okay?

That's reminded me, I'm cooking tonight so I need to go and get some stuff - where did I put that shopping list?  Oh here it is - mung beans, tofu, lentils... no sod that; chips, pasta, extra-thick double cream, chocolate, chocolate & more chocolate.  Sounds about right.   Lest you start emailing me in with complaints, please remember that all of this is written in a spirit of good humour.  I do try my utmost to get my five servings of fruit and veg a day in, so you may yet find me crunching on a stick of celery, or a raw carrot - but sometimes it just doesn't appeal - anyway crisps are made of potatoes, and they're vegetables, right?